Work in Progress, Needs Advice?

Please could you read through my story, I understand if you don't have time, I'd just like advice, it's an opening chapter, and definately not the final draft, the ending is somewhat rushed, but it gives the gist of it, but could do with a bit more describing and coversation with the wife.





Spelling is unimportant, I have spell checked once about half way through, and I'm bound to have missed things or used wrong tenses, sorry I will fix these, I just wanted to get the words down.





I understand also the whole, Mr. landon, Mr. brown can get boring, this will be worked on, first names will be brought in to make reading and typing easier.





It's just a bit of fun, nothing serious, something I've worked on for a few months, adding to whenever I get the chance around college.





Also the the words when copied in from notebook, got a put out of alignment sorry about this.





Thanks for any advice in advance!





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'Thud'...........'Thud'...........'Thu...


"Every time I walked several metres down the street, a loud thud echoed from behind me and


rang through my ears. I calmly carried on, attempting to not pay attention to the noise.


However the only other noise around was the sound of my steps which when compared to the


noise following me was like listening for a pin drop on a missile test zone. The noise filled


my head like an explosion in a cave, screaming for several moments after entry, bouncing of


the sides of my skull, until finally flooding out to carry on down the street. The noise


was unbearable, it brought me back to my days at University, trying to revise when everyone


else wanted to party. I became an expert at finding quiet places, unlucky for me that skill


was of no use to me in this situation. I quickened my pace so I didn't spend more than a


couple of seconds out of the light from the street lamps, which where the only thing


allowing me to continue, otherwise I would be in complete darkness. Although the noise was


unnerving, it wasn't close yet, which meant I had time to examine my surroundings. Probably


not the best thing to do, maybe I should have been running away, or even confronting it. I


mean, come on I'm thirty two and running away from a noise, it could have been a bunch of


kids playing a trick on me."





"My eyes swayed from left to right in a similar fashion to a pendulum, I was sure I could


have hypnotised someone with them had I met anyone. Walking down the street I found my self


drawn to glancing in through the windows of what I thought where shops, houses and


restaurants, but the only thing that gave me that impression was the fact it said it above


the windows and doors, not from looking through the windows, as I couldn't see anything


through them. The windows where painted black from the inside. After trying to find any gap


in the paint in the second chemist on the street, I decided I'd have a better chance on the


other side of the road. Pushing my self away from the building, I quickly spun around and


shot off for the other buildings. Before I knew it I'd lost my footing and got tangled up in


bin bags, then I was lying face flat against the concrete. Had I been alone I would have


sympathised with my self and laughed it off, But as I said 'had I been alone'. Now don't


forget this noise was still following me, it's not like I'd forgotten and was checking out


the shops for offers, or the restaurants so I could find a cheap meal deal for my upcoming


anniversary."





"Oh wait scrap that from your report, just encase my wife finds out I've said it, you'll


think she won't but she knows everything about me, even stuff I wouldn't dream of telling


her."


A tall man was sat in a small room, he had shoulder length brown scraggy hair, his eyes a


deep shade of brown looked like they were trying to escape from the sockets. His general


look wasn't that appealing. Opposite him was another man, dressed entirely in black from his


Sunglasses, to his suit down to his shoes. He sat holding a small burgundy notebook and


frantically wrote things down, hoping not to miss a word a Dictaphone lay on the table


as well.


"You Know what I bet somehow she knew about this, don't ask me how, it's just a feeling."


"Mr Landon, I couldn't care less if your wife knew the secrets of eternal youth, or the


meaning of life at the moment, I'm sat here listening to some loon, describe a dream he had,


about the time he walked down a never ending road, being followed by a noise which I heard


you described as being louder than thousands of foghorns going off altogether, in your last


interview." Mr. Brown proclaimed.


Mr Landon stood hoping to intimidate Mr. Brown by standing over him, unluckily Mr Landon


was a short stubby man, and rather than scare him, he seemed to strike his funny bone.


"Alan, If I may use your first name"


"Yes you may" Mr Landon spat back at him.


"I don't mean to insult you, however I have a deadline and I'd like you to get to the point


of your tale before we both die of old age. I mean have you actually read all your


interviews you've done. Take for example The one you did for the local paper, it was ten


pages of utter nonsense, you take anyone's comments on your story as an insult, and the


papers turn it round on you and make you look like some escaped mental patient. I suggest


after our meeting you just give people the basic facts, people aren't interested in your


story and won't sit there reading ten pages."


"Hey"


Mr Landon carried on the conversation as though Mr. Browns speech hadn't even occurred.


"What right have you got to come into my house and say it was a dream or even query me."


"I'm going to be frank with you Mr Landon, if it was true I doubt you'd be able to answer


any of my questions, because unfortunately I don't know sign language, and a noise that loud


surely would have deafened you"


At this point Mr. Brown slammed his cup of tea onto the table smashing his saucer, the tea


splashed out and landed on his wrist. Though the tea was fresh and still boiling hot he did


not flinch at all.


"I've had enough of this Alan, your just another one of those people that think they can get


money from making up these stupid stories about alien attacks. You do know there's been


around 800 in the past month, the past month, for christ sake, all have been found out to be


fake, the police, prime minster, general Gundore have all said so. So why should yours be


different, You'll be found out soon enough... I'm sure of it"


"You haven't even heard all of what happened maybe I could change your mind, now sit back


down and allow me to continue. Mr. Brown slunk back into his seat and although he'd rather


not listen, out of courtesy he did.





"Like I said The reason I was looking through the windows of the buildings was because They


where my only way out"


Mr. Brown, looked confused. His eyebrows raised and his mouth opened but before he could


ask a question, Mr Landon had carried on.


"The road looked like it went on for miles. If I carried on walking I'd end up well past my


house and probably up in Scotland by time I got to the end. If there was one."





"The entire street looked as though it had been deserted many years ago. Rubbish lined the


streets waiting for the bin men to come round in the morning, although it did look like they


had never been and rubbish piles just ended up getting bigger and bigger. The street carried


on for what felt like forever, I came across no other street leading off it, no alleyway,


all the houses and shops where packed so close together, the only thing I could do was carry


on going forward or turn round to face the noise."


"Suddenly I stopped dead in my tracks, up ahead was a body lying in the light of one


of the street lights. I ran towards it hoping the person was okay, well actually I was


hoping they'd know away off the street. From a distance they looked injured all curled up as


though protecting them self. I had to make sure they was OK. As I charged towards the body the


noise from behind quickened, as though it knew I had began to run and wasn't risking me


getting away. I stopped next to the person and bent down to examine him. I then realised the


noise had stopped and I could finally concentrate on him, rather than worry what had


happened to it."





"The man looked as though he was barely into his mid twenty's, I brushed my hand across the


side of his face to see if it would wake him, it felt like I was touching sandpaper, had he


ever heard of a razor, you know get the hairs you'd miss with an electric shaver as it just


can't get as close. He wouldn't have stubble then. Actually now I think of it maybe it was


just part of some fashion trend, he could have been trying to look older as he did have a


sort of babyish face. Not that there's anything wrong with trying to look older though I'd


prefer looking younger."





"Once again Mr Landon you are going off topic, I don't need to know any fashion tips,


especially from you, you of all people really don't have any right to judge based on looks


and come up with someone's life story just from there appearance, unless you know the man's


reason for stubble I couldn't care less."


"Now as you can see, I seem to have an empty cup, could you get that wife of yours to fetch


another in."


"Pass it here, I'll get you a refill, rather than disturb her."


"NO! Sorry, it's, just I noticed a bit of dirt on the cup, a new one will do fine."


"Suit your self, I'll be back in a moment."


Mr Landon stood up and made his way to the kitchen. Mr. Brown then sat back slouched on the


sofa, staring into the corner of the room, he nodded once and clamped his teeth together,


he repeated this action for the other three corners of the room, and then sat back upright.


Mr Landon then came back into the room carrying a tray with a fresh cup of tea on, oblivious


to the peculiar activity which had just occurred.


"Now I'll carry on, just drink your tea, slow, were getting to the good part."





"Instantly the man lying on the floor huddled up grabbed out at my hand and jerked up


right, his dark brown eyes fixated on my own. It was like looking into a mirror, they where


so clear, I saw myself. I looked confused, my hair was all over the place. As I ran towards


the man my hair must have been blown out of place by the wind. I looked confused and I was,


I mean it's not everyday I helped a strange person lying injured in the street, being


followed by a strange noise on a road that seems to never end."





Mr Landon stopped started into his cup of tea as though hoping it would reveal what happened


next to him.





"I remember thinking, have I gone crazy, was it something I ate or is all this just in my


head, maybe it's a dream. I could have fallen over and knocked my head on something and be


lying in some hospital bed, but I wasn't. "





There was a few moments of silence, still staring at his tea, it was as though Mr Landon had


a brainwave and remembered every little detail that happened, and once again he carried on.





"My arm started to burn where the man was holding me, a strange sensation like something was


coming out from the man's hand and was trying to push me away, even though he was the one


holding me."


"Get Down!" He shouted.


"What do you mean get down." I replied.


"Just get out of the way." The man said with a hint of anger in his voice.


"Hey I'm only helping you don't worry I'm not going to hurt you."


"Yeah well in a minute you'll be getting hurt by something if you don't move."


"Is that a thre-





"At that moment his other arm slammed into my side, I was sent to the floor and grazed my


arm along the concrete. The man looked angry with me, his eyes shot from me and the darkness


several times. I had no idea what his problem was but I thought it best I got away. I


dragged my self along the street,trying not to draw attention to myself, slowly I got up and


with out glancing back I carried on as I would have, if the man hadn't been there."





"I was stopped in my track as a screeching pierced through my head, I dropped back to my


knees, covering my ears, shaking, I tried to gather my strength and turn around. The noise


had stopped, everything was silent, until,"


'Thud'....'Thud'....'Thud'


"The pace of the noise had quickened, I had no idea why, I glanced back at the man to see he


was still there staring down the street. Further in front of him, the street lights began to


go off. The night was far from over and the sun was hours away from rising. Either there was


something wrong with the lights or it was the noise destroying them."





"Now I know the 'noise' wasn't destroying, at the time I didn't know what the noise was, so


I referred to the noise as though it was a living thing. I shouted for the man to run, but


he paid no attention so I made my way for him. Up ahead the lights where going out faster


and faster. It was a race for the man I had helped moments before. I arrived first and


attempted to drag him away he wouldn't budge like he was stuck on the spot. There was one


street light left until the noise would be on us. The ground was shaking and the thud had


been joined by a gentle groaning that felt rather pleasant compared to all the other noises


I'd heard that night."





"From out of the shadows a large figure strode out and stopped in the light in all it's


glory. It was a giant muscular figure with hands and feet at least four times bigger than my


own. It's skin was almost flurecant in the light, it had a thin layer of fur growing on it's


arms, legs and all over it's back. It had a greeny brown tinge to it's skin accompanied by a


pale yellow chest. It's claws where like curved blades able to slice through metal. It's


face was still clouded in darkness as it was taller than the lamppost."





"The man gazed at it in disgust like it was the most vile thing he'd ever seen but, I felt


as though there was something else another reason why he looked at it the way he did. He


raised his hand so it was pointed at the creatures face, and let out an almighty scream."





"Light shot from his hand and struck the monster square in the face pushing it back with


immense strength. It struggled to push it self back and force itself forward. With a flick


of the hand to the left the creature was sent into the front of a building, causing bricks


and glass to fall to the floor around the creature. I gasped at what I just saw, one man


just threw a creature into a building and not flinch at all. It must have been a regular


occurrence to the man as he'd already began to stroll towards the creature by time I got


myself back to normal. He pulled out a small dagger from his right pocket and took it out of


it's protective sleeve. He raised it high above the creature but stopped dead in his tracks,


as a second screech bellowed from above the building."





"I looked up to see what it was, but I already knew what to expect based on what I just saw.


I always tell myself to not think that everything will happen the way I expect it too.


Expect the unexpected. Unfortunately at times like this you don't have time to think about


anything and that's why I ended up getting thrown through a shop window. As I lay there


watching this giant, muscular creature casually walk over to where I lay, I could do


nothing. I couldn't move my arms or legs, Fear had me pinned down, because this was the


first time I had seen it's face. The creature lowered it's head from out of the darkness and


it's grotesque form took shape in front of me. Eyes the size of a clenched fist targeted


on me from behind scraggy hair that flopped in front of the creatures face, and being blown


about by the gust of air shooting out of it's nostrils. Fangs curved out of it's mouth like


tusks, but where as sharp as knifes, except the left one which had broken off half way down.


It's mouth opened and closed as though it was simulating eating me."





"As it craned it's neck through the window, it's breath awakened my senses and I found


myself able to move again, but before I could run, the creatures hand was already around my


waist and pulling me from the debris of the smashed up window. Back in the street, suspended


upside-down five metres from the ground I took my chance to look around for the stranger I'd


helped and in turn had saved my own life, but he was no where to be seen, the only thing I


could make out in the distance was the other creature still knocked out at the side of road.


Was this the end for me, or will my luck change. With in a split second that question was


answered."





"From out of the darkness a flash of red slammed into the side of the creature sending it


sliding down the street. As I stared closer at the flash of red, my eyes widened in surprise


as just down the street was a red double decker bus. The creature was now stumbling back up,


it looked at the bus with complete confusion, obviously it hadn't seen one before other wise


it would have known they are hardly dangerous."





"It seemed to be thinking over whether or not to attack me, or the bus, as though it had


learnt from this. I was shocked at my own thoughts and prejudices, just because it wasn't


human I believed it wasn't as intelligent but this proved me wrong, this creature wasn't


stupid and it was now finding another way to get me. The creature called out as though it


was preparing to make it's move. When the whole street was lit up flames engulfing the


creature from behind. The creature began to run around fiercly trying to put out the fire


but there was no way for it to be put out in the street."





"The buildings had caught a blaze, windows where shattering up and down the street. Rubbish that lay piled up





at the side of the road was quickly disappearing engulfed by the flames and smoke which was pouring out of





the buildings and ontothe street. The bus had slowly began to melt, no one came off and before I knew it all





that was left was a large puddle of red liquid in the middle of the street. Had no one been driving or had





they perished inside and now where nothing more than a puddle of remains mixed in with those of the bus."





"Looking around me I realized I was surrounded by the flames, theyre was no way out, this time I felt for





sure help would not arrive, no more buses would come bursting through the flames to pick me up and drive me





to safety, no strange men with glowing palms would fly down and away again with me in theyre arms. The idea





of this being a dream once again crossed my mind, before a blinding light in front of me emerged from the





fire, as it got close the light split into two, on either side of the lights two more pairs appeared, heading





straight towards me. Help had arrived, in what form I had no idea, but fear struck me, these lights where not





slowing down and if they kept going would hit me, I ran"





"Towards the flames was the only way, as far to the side as I could go, I was still in line with the lights





furthest to the right, terrified I curled up, placing my head on my knees, tears running down my face. This





nightmare was going to be over, the price I'd have to pay though, was my life. I closed my eyes and covered





my ears, I didnt want to see or hear the lights approach ready to kill me. However my efforts to drown out





any sound where crushed when the sound of tyre's screeching filled my ears. I jumped up onto my feet, and





quickly scanned my surroundings. The buildings had disappeared, the road had been replaced with the M25, the





lights where those of car headlights, driving down the lanes towards me. I dashed to the side of the motorway





just escaping the path of an oncoming lorry."





"I kept thinknig to my self, how had I survived again, I should have died at least three times that night,





but there I was perfectly safe at the side of the M25, and just a few miles from my house."





"Thats where I will have to interupt you Mr. Landon, you are correct, you should have died that night, and





theyre where numerous attempts on your life, all failing, I am yet to find out who aided you that night, but





where I do, they will suffer the sam consequence for escaping, as you shall." Stone faced, gazing at Mr.





Landon a smirk crept across Mr. Browns face.





Mr. Brown lept at Mr. Landon, over the coffee table pushing him into his chair. Grabbing him by the throat,





Mr. Brown attempted to strangle him. Mr. Landon Pulled off a succesful kick to the unprotected crotch of Mr.





Brown. Falling to the ground in pain, Mr. Landon took this time to strike back and protect himself in his own





house. Grabbing a conveniently placed lamp from the small table next to the chair he had almost lost his life





in, he strook down hard, after the previous events that had happened to him Mr. Landon was not taking any





chances and strook Mr. brown on the head a further three times. A blood spattered Mr. Landon stood over the





body motionless. His wife came rushing through the kitchen after hearing the fight going on. Dropping her





book she had been attempting to read in the bedroom, she dashed for the phone, without asking her husband





about the incident, she called for the police. She had feared for the past few days her husband would do





something drastic after telling him she thought he's been out all night drinking, rather than fight9ing for





his life, and he had punched her for it. the bruise was theyre but her tangerine cxomplexion from cheap





beauty products had covered it enough to not cause any suspicions among family and friends.





The minutes leadin up to Mr. Landon's arrest, went slowly, his wife sat cradling her husband in her arms, as





he wept in disgust of his own actions. Rage had filled him the moment he struck Mr. Brown, he tried to





persuade his wife, he hadn't actually done it, something had taken over him and he had no recollection of the





event. He tried to explain how he had wanted to kill his wife and he was only protecting her. She knew what





had happened and that he was trying to hide the truth from her, the thing is she had started to believe his





tale about his mysterious night, after all every time she heard him talk about it, she saw how terrified he





was about losing his life, how confused he was about the events and how all he had wanted to do was get home





and be with her.





She now began to regret ringing for the police, thinking about what to do, would she actually hand over her





husband to be sent down for murder, although it was self defense, the courts could find his mental state





unnerving and lock him up for his own good. Her concentration was lost when a loud knock from the door echoed





through the room followed by.





"Open the door, we know your in there" A deep, rough male voice shouted.


"Just a moment" She shrieked back. Getting to her feet she pulled up her husband looking him the eye and told





him to run.





The backdoor was the only way out, either that or through a window. Mr. Landon dashed into the kitchen almost





slipping on the freshly mopped floor. He burst through the door, without looking to see if he was being





chased, he climbed over the garden fence, and sped off into the woods. Mrs. Landon, got her act together, and





confronted the police, in her calmest voice, as not to arouse suspicion, she explained how they had just





missed him, and he had ran down the street, knowing full well he had infact gone in the opposite direction.





She then gave a fake description of her husband, but only the basic information, giving the excuse she was





still in shock and details of what had happened where blurry, so blurry that giving a description of the man





she loved was hard to do. The Medics pushed past after spotting Mr. Brown lying in a pool of blood, frantic





shouting from both police and medics, filled the house, everything was happening so quickly, Mrs. Landon





could not focus on one thing for long before being asked another question by both groups of people. She





panicked, and slummped onto her knees, leaning against the front door, tears streaming down her face, she





sobbed, saying nothing,she just watched.

Work in Progress, Needs Advice?
Not bad, I liked your realistic dialog. You need to edit it carefully for spelling/grammar. Stupid things like your/you're can be distracting. If you are into it, you might publish this on storymash where better authors can comment and even add to it. You can also make a few bucks.
Reply:It isn't the character's names that are boring - it is the characters themselves. This is showing - not telling. The characterizations are just not there. There is nothing in it that makes me care about these people. They are flat, two dimensional people thrown into a situation as two dimensional paper dolls. Totally lifeless. Uninteresting. It was a chore to read to the end. It was a giant information dump. An overload.





Also, you got off to a very wrong start by using the onomatopoeia as the first sentence. It did nothing to draw me into the story. In fact, it told me immediately I wasn't going to like it - that it was shallow and novice.





It needs a lot of work. Start by stopping. Spend time fleshing out your characters - do in depth character studies and really make them living, breathing people. Your dialogue suffers severely because you just don't know enough about these people and how they respond in situations. It is dull, uninteresting dialogue - no life in it whatsoever.





I highly recommend you read The First Five Pages. You desperately need to find out how to draw people into your work. Read William Faulkner. There was a man who knew how to grab you by your hair and pull you into his work and not let go until he was ready.





Stephen King says you cannot be a good author until you have become a great reader. I sense that you are not a great reader and that you need to read a whole lot more.





When you have honed and trained yourself so that you are skilled, try a rewrite. But for now, it is just not there.





Pax-C