Parenting Without Punishing?

Chapter 2








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Letter to an Expectant Father [Summer, 1986]


Dear Patrick :


Your excitement in anticipation of the birth of your first child - I heard it in your voice yesterday as we talked on the phone - took me right back 22 years when I, too, was about to become a father. So I admonished you, as I do all new parents, "Don't ever punish that child!"





When I said that our two sons had been brought up successfully without punishment of any kind, you asked me to write about it for your magazine [John Holt's "Growing Without Schooling"]





Just As I was thinking, as you are now, what kind of parent I was going to be, and agonizing over the "duty" of "correcting behavior", something happened that changed my life: a copy of A. S. Neill's incredible book, SUMMERHILL - A Radical Approach to Childrearing, fell into my hands. Neill taught me how extraordinary the possibilities when we really respect children, and place our trust in them and the democratic process.





As a victim of severe child abuse at the hands of a brutal "guardian" in a freelance "foster home" (this was in the back hills of Vermont in the 30s), I could see, at first, few alternatives to "a good slap" or "a sound thrashing", when "needed". I had known no other. Abandoned by my mother at age four and by my father at age seven, I was "farmed out" to work for my keep.





For five years I labored, serving as a front for a criminal abortion racket. I was beaten regularly and severely with a hardwood stick - for the "sin" of being a child. My indoctrination in the hellfire and brimstone of Christian fundamentalism forced the belief that, having been born in sin, I deserved the frequent beatings, the shaming and humiliation. Endure it without complaint, and my reward will be in heaven. Expect no happiness in this life.





In college courses I discovered there were other ways of controlling a child's behavior. Yet, as a philosophy student, I was rankled by the question: Control for what purpose? And for whose? Later, as a public school teacher, I never used punishment, never sent a pupil to the principal, and yet had no problem with discipline. Nonetheless, as I approached fatherhood I assumed I would have to spank, determined as I was to be a "good father". (Such is the strength of the roles society assigns us.) But I couldn't accept that. Is there no better way of treating children? I asked.





So I researched the psychology literature, and could find not one alternative to the behaviorists' reward and punishment, carrot-and-stick, conditioning. Any suggested alternatives to assault amounted to subterfuge, trickery, or outright lies. All seemed manipulative, exploiting advantages any adult has over the innocent and trusting. To me, those were all unethical, disrespectful, demeaning, and certainly harmful. If we can't make ourselves worthy of the child's trust, I asked, then who are we? If a child's faith in our word and our protection is not sacred, what is?





Then I learned that almost all Americans, to some degree, have a deep emotional investment in dominating and exploiting children to meet their own emotional needs. And the reason they do, though not consciously, is to suppress the horrible memory of their own victimization as children.





My own gulag-type experience, I saw, was no different in kind from 95% of all other children - only in degree. Nearly all children are either attacked with sticks, switches, paddles, and other weapons, as I was, or they were slapped, spanked, shaken, pinched punched, and kicked. All were yelled at and suffered humiliation and indignities and told it was not only good for them, it was by Biblical command.





Some children today endure "only" face slaps, spankings, "go to your rooms" and the now-popular "time-outs". Others, like me, barely escape with their lives. The list of those who don't survive it grows with every edition of the news. Despite the headlines, our ghastly tradition of physical and emotional violence against children continues.








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Little children love the world. That is why


they are so good at learning about it.


For it is love, not tricks and techniques of thought,


that lies at the heart of all true learning.


Can we bring ourselves to let children


learn and grow through that love?


John Holt








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A few years later, my college students, future teachers and parents, vehemently defended their "right", their DUTY, to force children, "in any way necessary", to submit to authority. Otherwise, they feared, the inmates would take over the home, the classroom, and/or the asylum. My sons, they argued, must be exceptional, or over-conditioned "robots". Or that I had exceptional patience, (a charge which invariably provoked laughter). Nothing would convince them that punishment was not necessary - until I brought my pre-school boys and their mother into the classroom. Henry and Russell, by their naturalness and authenticity, brought all argument to an end. Just by being genuine, they charmed their pants off.


To go back: I began with vowing NEVER to use physical punishment. And for good reason: I could not risk releasing on children the rage within me, internalized by my earlier beatings. Then I became intrigued by the philosophical question: How can ANY punishment of children be justified - ethically or otherwise? I searched the literature for months - and could find no valid justification. The pro-punishment argument came down to this: The child must submit to our will, because children are born bad, and we must shape them to suit us and society. That, clearly, would not stand as valid on any grounds.





When the babies came I realized I knew nothing. So I looked to them to teach me who they were, how they learn, and how they should be treated. Then my real education concerning childrearing began, for my sons taught me the most important things I know.





My FIRST surprise came in discovering how EASY it is to raise children if they are not "taught lessons". I had imagined I would have to develop patience - of which I had not an ounce. To my astonishment, it didn't require any. The alternatives to punishment now seem obvious to me, and so much fun!





The SECOND surprise was how well behaved, how spontaneous and enjoyable and lovable children can be when not living under the threat of violence or humiliation or "correction". And how they naturally search out what they need to learn - without lessons, without teaching or preaching or any sort of coercion. No "preparing for life," no "bending the twig," no shaping and forming. No authoritarian control.





The THIRD big surprise was how HAPPY our family was in contrast to the suppression, the competitiveness, and the underlying resentment so evident in other homes, those heavy vibes that kill spontaneity and warmth. On witnessing the callousness and incivility dealt children in stores, homes and the street, my sons would whisper in shock and horror, "Daddy, why is that lady hitting that boy?"





The FOURTH surprise to me was how quickly and eagerly they assumed the responsibility for their own behavior, how mature they were compared to others their ages. This quality is what impressed my students most.





And the FIFTH and biggest surprise was how a simple change in my view and thinking - that is, dismissing as an option all punishment - brought about a positive and remarkable change in me as a person. Unburdened of father-authority-punisher self-concept, I was rapidly becoming a more understanding, a more compassionate, a more loving person.





My colleagues and friends began commenting on it; I was a lot more enjoyable to be around, they said, - what happened? I felt better about myself, more self-accepting and approving, therefore I developed more tolerance, more compassion. I had more self-respect, confident now that I was not the kind of person who would exploit or harm any child. And I was greatly unburdened of the internal conflict between loving my children on the one hand, and inflicting pain in the name of "parental duty" on the other. I am now convinced that letting go of the punitive mentality can rapidly make any person happier, more self-accepting, and more understanding, even if they have no children of their own.





Comes the inevitable question: So what did you DO instead of punishing, instead of spanking, say, for "disobeying" by running into the road? (Why is this always the example? It is the universal justification for walloping children - "for their own good".) Their mother and I recognized that punishing does not teach safety, it teaches fear. And all punishment forces the burden - sometimes life or death - squarely on the child, conveniently allowing the parent to avoid responsibility for the safety of the child. (I TOLD him not to run into the road!")





The boys and I decided to install an inexpensive three-foot high wire fence (see PWP issue No. 1) around the front yard where they could play in safety, in view and within earshot of the kitchen. During the times we walked near traffic, we held their hands, with no fear-talk about getting run over, killed, so forth.





Instead of the bedtime tantrums we saw in other homes, we developed an evening routine of clean-up, sitting on laps and story reading plus music listening. In our weekly family meetings, bedtime was negotiated, arrived at by consensus. With shared authority, there was no problem. The clock, not the parents, announced time for bed. No tears, no hassle.





In family meetings, everything was fair game for questioning, for discussion and negotiation - with one exception: Health and Safety. Here we, as parents, reserved dictatorial control. The message was clear and firm: "We are responsible for your growing up safely and in good health. It is our job to protect you, even from yourself if necessary, and we intend to do a good job of it. But unless we can justify a given instance as a matter of either health or safety, no one has a right to interfere with your chosen activities."








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European Countries That Forbid Any Form of Physical Punishment of Children: Sweden, Finland, Denmark, Norway, Austria, Cyprus, Croatia, Latvia, Germany, Italy


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The boys readily accepted that - indeed they were delighted with limits that made sense, combined with a general freedom to follow their interests. We sometimes explained dangers, but without instilling fear. We rarely announced rules to obey. What few rules there were came out of family meeting decisions. The boys were then able to enjoy their childhood, with its serious business of play, and know the security of parental care.


The alternative to punishment is not neglect, as so many parents assume - and even seem to wish. It is not "permissiveness", the claim of those who know only the extremes of punishment and neglect. The alternative to punishment is accepting the RESPONSIBILITY of providing a growing-up environment free from fear, free from hazards, and free from domination, and not forcing it on the children with punishment.





Don't forget to send me a birth announcement. If you ever think it "necessary" to inflict punishment in any form on your child, give me a call first. - Norm





UP-DATE: Henry and Russell, now ages 35 and 36, live happy and fulfilling lives with their respective successful careers and families. Both earned college degrees, neither went to jail despite all the dire warnings from friends, colleagues and students that they would tear out the drapes, dump paint in my typewriter, and set fire to the cat.





P.S.: Henry and his wife have made me a grandfather. To all of us, the idea of punishing little Charlotte is unthinkable.





Why We Can't Wait





I AM PUBLISHING THESE CHAPTERS BECAUSE we need to get serious about making changes in how children are viewed and treated. We cannot wait yet another generation to reduce the hatred and violence in our fast-deteriorating society, and because the price of punishment is too high in human suffering.





For most of my life there was at least the excuse that we didn't know any better. But serious large-scale research on the long-term effects of punishment began in the 1940s, and during the past 25 years overwhelming evidence has been amassed showing the counter-productive nature of punishment. The cost in human suffering is beyond calculation, the cost to taxpayers amounts to billions of dollars annually in medical care and therapy responses to spouse-bashing, mental illness, large-scale clinical depression, plus a justice system to deal with nearly every adolescent criminal offense from date-rape to murder. America's War On Children has gone on far too long.








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PUNISHMENT DIMINISHES OR DESTROYS:


1. the child's love for you


2. self-esteem, self-respect, self-acceptance - the child's, and yours


3. the child's respect for you


4. the child's capacity to live a healthy life with minimum stress and internal conflicts


5. the ability to accept responsibility


6. the capacity to love another person, or themselves


7. the right to a happy, loving, home, safe from fear


8. the child's creative drive, learning - , and later, earning - power


9. the chances of growing up to be non-violent parents and spouses


10 their parents' chances of evolving into happy, stress-free human beings











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NETWORK NEWS %26amp; NOTICES


Websites worth visiting: www.nospank.net is Jordan Riak's organization, PTAVE (Parents And Teachers Against Violence in Education). His booklet, "Plain Talk About Spanking" has been read by thousands nation-wide. His non-profit and the one below are vital supporters in our local effort during April.





The Annual Spank-Out Day - April 30 - is sponsored by EPOCH-USA's Center For Effective Discipline (www.stophitting.org).








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Continuing Narrative: The Strange Case of the Children Who Were Not Punished





Crayons on the walls.


The lovely old farmhouse we lived in had beautiful oak frames around each door. Henry and Russell had just begun drawing on them when I happened by. "Orange door frames?" I asked. "That won't do."





But how can we draw on the walls with our crayons? Henry wanted to know.





"Well let's figure out how that can be possible," I said. The discussion ranged from coloring books, to large sheets of newspaper on the dining room table, to maybe bidding on an easel at an auction, if there was an auction with one and no one else bid on it. But the discussion always returned to the desire to draw "standing up" and drawing large-scale. Admittedly the wall was perfect for that. "How about if the wall has the paper on it?" someone - I think it was I - said.





"We don't have paper big enough", came the objection.





"Then where can we find big-enough paper?"





Further talk brought us to newspapers again, but it was already "drawn on" - with ink. What about newsprint, newspapers before it was covered with ink? Where can we find some? The newspaper printing plant! A quick search in the phone book, and fast phone call gave us the information we needed: Yes, they had "end rolls" of newsprint they'd give us cheap. A trip to the plant and $3 got us all the paper we'd ever need.





We began on one corner of the dining room, exactly the place they had begun drawing on the woodwork, and proceeded, masking-taping our way, all around the room, skipping the doorways, of course. Then the entire family joined the "crayon party". After a week or so we tired of looking at it, tore it down, put up fresh paper, and did it again. What a great time we had!





That went on for several days. When it was over, it was over. They never again wrote or drew on the walls, or even mentioned the idea.


http://www.nopunish.net/pwp-ch2.htm

Parenting Without Punishing?
Never hurt or punish your child. Just say no. IF your going to punish your child do it mentally although don't torture them mentally. You do this by taking stuff that means alot to them like video games, tv, computer whatever. Just don't take away really important things like food and water since that is cruel. And if you have problem with scribblers on walls get the markers that only write on paper that way it will stay on paper and not your walls. I grew up perfectly normal without being punish except for having tv and my books taken away along with drawing and reading when I was being really bad. MY cousins however got beaten and now one can go to the bathroom properly the other needs someone everywhere including the bathroom and the other can't eat right since she is paranoid into thinking anything she does is bad and she will get beaten. [Thats about it.. sorry if this doesn't help or is to vague but I got to go]
Reply:What a very intelligent, uplifting post! I came too late to answer it so I'll share my views now.





The story you provided was very impressive, thought -provoking Report It

Reply:as it shows an extreme example of a person growing up in a time where exploitation of children was much more common than today, and more accepted, because those in charge of children "didn't know any better" as you said. Report It

Reply:This person; was able to exercise a great deal of self-control. He examined very closely his own goals as a parent. He was abused to an extreme and yet was able to change his thinking not just for the sake of his own children but the sake of his grandchildren also. Report It

Reply:The two examples you gave were eye-openers on alternatives for how things can be done with success. A lot more personal growth can happen with these kinds of approaches than a more punitive one, which is more reactive instead of exploratory. Report It

Reply:You also provided excellent links, which I intend to look into at my next available opportunity. Report It

Reply:Judging by a lot of answers here, you won't get a lot of support for your position. It also looks like some people didn't even read your post in it's entirety Report It

Reply:There are some on this post who are less coachable than others. They missed the point!





As people in charge of children, nobody's perfect. I myself have used punishment at times, and didn't have good results. Report It

Reply:The point is not to strive for perfection in parenting but instead, some sort of ideal. Parents, teachers etc, can be a little more open-minded when it comes to exploring different approaches and philosophies.





I am open to change where it's a win-win situation. Report It

Reply:The person you picked as best answerer seems to be on the right track now. Her childhhood experiences have having had her books and drawing taken away was very punitive! Report It

Reply:You want to support drawing (and especially) reading at all costs as these are pre-requisites to a balanced education IMHO. Report It

Reply:WHERE IS THE QUESTION? YOU LOSER! Report It

Reply:You're a tool spouting the latest in pop pseudo pyschology what you have are more than likely a couple of spoiled brats and most likely you too were a spoiled brat so you're perfectly okay with it. now if a new parent wants to raise a successful well adjusted NORMAL child you need to set rules and boundries and enforce them when they are broken or boundries crossed. Now if you want spoiled brat children just reinforce the misbehaviour illustrated in this little crayon story and feed into the anything you do is just A okay and by high school i hope you have a seperate bank account set aside for the bail- bondsman you'll be needing him since the kids will believe rules are for others not them.
Reply:I agree with a lot you say. I have always tried more or less not to control kids, but lead them. However, the idea of deliberate disobedience which arives from curiousity, etc hasn't been answered. It is deliberate disobedience that I punish for, and will continue to do so.


I do believe that child rearing should be based on teaching your children well, and this is hard when like me, you were never taught that. Children should be respected as potential adults, not treated as burdens.


My children (4) are on the whole very well behaved. Compared to their friends. I do smack them (well - used to, they're a bit old for it now) and I am very close to three of them. I don't allow swearing in my house - it's never been forbidden, it just never occurs to me that anyone would want to swear, and although I know my sons swear, they don't do it in front of me. I think the author of that article has very good thoughts, and ones which I wish I had read years ago. But again, I am not totally convinced they would work. But it's itneresting. Certainly an alternative to the "whack-a-matic" or the ignored child who is a blight on society. You need to be a very patient and committed person to bring up a child in society that expects respect and obedience.
Reply:Is NOT the way to raise respectful, moral, and competent children into adulthood.





IMO
Reply:without punishment children dont learn rules you tree hugging penniless hippy.
Reply:I agree completely!!! My kids are not punished, worst possible punishment in our house is a timeout, but they are few and far between, and my kids (ages 2 and 5) are the best behaved and smartest kids i know


My five year old will hold the door for you, say please and thank you every time, clean his own messes, and DOTES on his little sister. He can count to 100, knows his whole alphabet, and can add (not subtract). He knows 15 different colors


My two year old went through a phase of hitting, but thats done, she knows most of the alphabet, can count to 5, knows all her body parts (including knee, elbow, and chin), knows 8 colors, She says pretty please, and thank you, and puts her cups in the sink, and her clothes in the laundry basket,


My kids love everyone,, and each other, and they are perfect,


I feel this is because of how we raise them, no meanness, no raising voices, they do not fear us at all.


Thank you for posting this, I appreciate knowing someone else feels this way
Reply:what the heck is this.
Reply:Whoever wrote that is a quack. Certain actions require consequences..period! Who wants a spolied brat on their hands.
Reply:Child abuse is never warranted. But if you neglect to punish a child for his/her bad behavior you are actually telling that child you do not care about them. That's why God gave us padded butts. Spare the rod spoil the child. Actually there are many ways to discipline a child, and physically force is rarely needed if you know ways to teach the child the appropiate behavoir, then reward them rightaway. Continue the pattern of showing them examples of the appropiate behavior, but do not always reward them for with gifts or candy all the time. Kids need to be taught the reward of good behavior is the pride and respect of self that will come by yeilding to good behavior. Kids will do almost anything for love.
Reply:Wow! I'm impressed with the answers.Yes, I agree that good parenting requires children to be punished if they do wrong.


Abuse is a totally diiferent argument altogether.If a kid does wrong,he/she is corrected and told /taught the right thing.If the kid does the same wrong thing repeatedly....then he/she needs to be told the wrong(explained)and followed by a good spanking so that its not repeated and point taken.Of course it depends greatly on the childs age. Kids of different age groups go through a phase and overcome it after sometime,like screaming/whining etc.So parental discreation is necessary.But not punishing is out of the question.It will only bring out a future generation of people with no respect for others and the law!!
Reply:o come on, get real!





their is a fine line between punishment and abuse agreed





but punishment is important, without how do kids learn right from wrong? how do you give them a decent set of morals? you need to punish your kids!





parenting is never easy, sometimes you have to give out some tuff love as well, not punishing is just lazy parenting





and please, punishment doesnt harm kids





90% of kids get punished and 90% of kids dont have problems with thier confidence and self asteem





kids who dont get punished usualy end up getting in trouble with the law!
Reply:Parenting whithout punishment? I think it is impossible. But of course we should control ourselves and never never punish them physically (although I know this is totally impossible too)





Good Luck everyone

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