Please offer advice on this Paragraph and for my COLLEGE Essay??

This is the intro to my college essay. the thesis statement it the last sentence. I will combine 2 subjects about my mom and how she helped me adapt to America when we first moved here. so the subject will be how I admire my mother and the struggles I faced when moving to the US.


is this good or no? anything I should change?





When I was a little girl and got a cut on my knee, I immediately ran to my mother because she always knew how to fix it. Today I still go to her when I have a problem. She constantly listens to me and offers beneficial advice. Over the years my mother has become an admirable icon to me. Not only because she is so significant in my life but because she had a burdensome life and was able to maintain a sense of courage and responsibility. Throughout the years my mother has taught me the importance of responsibility, love of music and wonder of books.

Please offer advice on this Paragraph and for my COLLEGE Essay??
If I was injured as a child, I immediately ran to my mother, as she always knew how to fix whatever bothered me--physically, mentally, or spirituall. Today, I still go to her when I have a problem. She constantly listens to me and offers beneficial advice. My mother has become an admirable icon to me--not only because she is so significant in my life but also because she has had a burdensome life and is still able to maintain a sense of courage and responsibility. Throughout our years together, my mother has taught me the importance of responsibility, helped me foster a love of music, and instilled the wonder of the literary world in me.





You are off to a good start. Be sure to have your English teacher and several other well-educated college graduates proof your essay when you are finished
Reply:I think you need to re-evaluate your point of view. After reading this, I wonder if you're writing a recommendation on behalf of your mom for her to go to school.