What do you think of this story?

*****************************


Princess-To-Be











Written By: Kellie Hancock





*****************************














Chapter 1


Rotten Me





Lorandriae Corinthian. When you hear this, don’t you think that you are in a Politics Lecture? I do. This is my Name. Well, really now I go by Lori but still, it’s the Real Name that counts! At least I think that it is my real name.


You see, I was abandoned by my Birth Mother when I was first born. Then someone probably saw me and took me to an old, ratty orphanage. Then, when I was old enough to have any Brain Cells, I figured life on the street couldn’t be as wretched and pitiful as this. So, I ran away from Happy Alternate Orphanage. (Happy? I don’t think so!) Finally, here I am now, waiting for something Wonderful to Happen.


I am sorry to say that I am going to be waiting here for a VERY long time! The only thing Wonderful I have had in a long time is the Banana Peeling that someone threw out. Just Wonderfully Wonderful.


Even though I Absolutely HATE my Life of Wonderful Banana Peelings for Dinner every night and sleeping in a cardboard box while I freeze to death, I am NEVER, EVER going back to the Happy Alternate Orphanage! As I am freezing my bum off, I see a twinkling light and a faint voice calling, “Lorandriae, Lorandriae, Lorandriae….”

















Chapter 2


Shimmer City





“Who are you?” I said as the dainty light called my name.


“ I may not look familiar now but you know me very well.” She said. Yes, the light is a girl.


“What do you mean look familiar? I can’t even see you!” I said. Then as I was blinded by the light, an outline of a girl with wings appeared. She was wearing a Purple Dress and had the longest and fullest black hair that I had ever seen. She practically glittered as she descended from midair.


“I am Amethyst, your Guardian Fairy. I need to tell you that you are on your way to misery and gloom if you remain in the way that you are. But, great Fortune will come to you if you Travel to Shimmer City. It is a land with Humble people, beautiful landmarks and great opportunities.”


“I do need some good for-, wait a minute, why will my life be filled with misery if I stay here? I am doing perfectly fine!” I said a bit too firmly.


“There is No time to Explain,” She said, “now come with me!”


Before I knew it, she lifted me up and whisked me in the air. I thought I was going to fall to my depths below and then I landed-on my feet-in a city that looked so gleaming, I thought I was in Heaven.


“This is Shimmer City. The land of opportunities. I find that you will like it here very well so.” said a familiar voice.


I looked up to see Amethyst hovering gracefully above me.


“Hey, Mrs. Fairy, you can’t just grab people like that then throw them to Lord know-” then I stopped. I saw something that I did not believe. But it was true.


“Shimmer City isn’t shimmering at all!” I shouted with suprisement.


Yes, as I looked through the portal-not the real city at all-I saw a scraggly run down old town looking like it had enough room for a market, a library, a hotel, a town square, a school, and a church, and that is exactly what it had.


“Why isn’t it shimmering? You said it would be Shimmer City! This isn’t much worse than the Streets!” I said angrily. “Why did you lie to me Amethyst?”


“I thought by telling you that it was shimmering you would come in a heartbeat. But, you didn’t. So I had to whisk you there. But, the city still has beautiful people, and great opportunities.” she said.


“Couldn’t you have just told me the truth?” I asked.


“Nah.” she said and flew off.


“Wait!” I screamed. “what am I supposed to do now? How do I survive? Where am I going to stay? Come Back! Please come back!” I screamed, but it was no good. Amethyst, had already flown off to lands beyond. And so had I.


Suddenly, I felt myself rising upward. Then I fell-now on my bottom-in something wet. I had fallen on the fountain in Town Square.


“Again with the lifting!” I said to my self. Then I heard laughter. I turned around to see a girl about my age laughing so hard, she almost turned over.


Chapter 3


Antoinette





“What do you think is so funny?” I said angrily.


“I am sorry,” she said holding back laughter. “its just been a long time since I laughed that hard.”


“Oh,” I said, “I’m sorry, I am just a little frustrated, that’s all.”


“What about?” she asked. “Never mind, anyway, my name is Antoinette. You can call me Ana.” she said.


“Ok, Ana. What is this place?” I asked.


“It’s a run down old, scraggly town with only a few things that a Proper Town needs.


“Really? It looks pretty nice to me.” I said, lying, but not wanting to offend her, since this is her home.


“Come with me, I can show you around. There aren’t many places here so it won’t be a long tour!” she said, sounding giddy. “This is the Market,” she said pointing to a small store that looked like a box with the words ‘Store Stop and Shop’ written on it. “and that is the Inn, I wouldn’t practically stay there,” she said whispering. “I’ve heard that it has mice! That area of rooms, is the college. I am taking Dance. Maybe you should take something too, um…what’s your name?” she asked with a blank look on her face.


“Oh, I am so sorry, I didn’t introduce myself,” I started. “I’m Lorainae Corinthian. I go by Lori though.” I said.


“Lorainae. That’s really weird.” she said.


“My name is weird?” I said hoping that she wasn’t going to hurt my feelings.


“Oh, no! That’s not it at all! It’s just that there was a Princess named Lorainae. It just hit me as odd that you would have the same name as her. I mean it’s not really a common name you know.” she said.


“Wait-a Princess lives in this town? I thought that this was an old mill? A Queen and a King too?” I asked questionably.


“Yes, a very happy Family at once also.- Wait- I really shouldn’t be telling you this though. Maybe you can ask someone else.” she said doubtfully.


I nodded my head Yes, but I was thinking about why she wouldn’t tell me about the Princess. This is interesting.


“Over there is the Church- and the stable- I wouldn’t go in there if I was you. Rotten Smell if you know what I mean.” she said, wrinkling her nose.


“Huh?…Oh, yeah, right, bad smell, sure.” I said, not remembering we had started the tour back.


“Up on top of the Hill through those gates is the Shimmer City Library. It’s okay if you like to read books.” she said, shrugging her shoulders. “Maybe you could find some things on the Princess there.”


“Yeah, I’ll check it out sometime.” I said, not really positive to my word.


“And finally, up there on the very top of the Land,” she pointed way up high on a land loyal enough a king could live on it, and he did. “is the Corinthian Castle.”


I looked up and saw a glimmering gate that had the letters, C.C. on it. This might be the only thing Shimmering about Shimmer City.








Chapter 4


Library Time





I woke up to the sunlight through my window curtain. If you can call it a curtain. Time for a Job. I walked out on the streets and pulled my coat closer to my chest, it was freezing. I can’t decide where to work. I love to cook, so I was thinking about the Hotel Cook. But then I would have to get everything just PERFECT! And you know how good I am at that! Not!


Then I thought of the one thing that I love to do, more than anything in the whole wide world. Reading and Children. Then I got it! The Library! It is the most appealing place in the Town. I mean besides the Corinthian Castle. I walked up the hill of pavement and opened the gate. When I walked in, I was greeted by a lean woman with brown hair.


“Hello and Welcome to the Library Times Library. What kind of book are you seeking today?” she asked.


“Oh, no. I’m not looking for a book. Would you happen to need any help for the moment. I would love anything that you have.” I asked hopefully. “Well, you could stack books! We would love to have you! Are you interested?” she asked with a glad look on her face.


“Yes! I would love it and greatly appreciate! Thank you!” I said.


“Your welcome! My name is Ms. Shory. If you need anything just ask! You start today. You can begin in the Reference Section.” she said.


I went over to the section with the “R” on it and began stacking the thick books. Dictionary, Encyclopedia, Dictionary, Encyclopedia, Dictionary, Encyclopedia of Royalty in Shimmer City, Dic-WAIT!-I opened the Encyclopedia and began reading the first page.





Royalty of Shimmer City





King Corinthian and Queen Corinthian met long ago in a faraway land. It was love at first sight…





Wait, wrong page. I flipped back in the Index and looked up, “Princess Corinthian” page 497. I flipped to page four hundred and ninety-seven and began reading.





Princess Corinthian





Princess Corinthian was a very well organized and proper young lady. Adventurous young one at that. She loved the outdoors--





What am I really supposed to be looking for? I have no idea. I thought back to what Ana had said, Don’t go in there though, rotten smell if you know what I mean. No that wasn’t it! Think Lori, think! A very happy Family at once also. That was it! At once. What did she mean by that? Why just, At Once, why not forever? Weren’t Families supposed to love one another?


Just then, Ms. Shory walked past me. “Having a fun time?” she asked.


I quickly shut the Encyclopedia and put it back on the shelf. “Just Wonderful! I haven’t had this much fun in years!” I said, lying through my teeth.


“Great! The Library is almost closed. Why don’t you head on out and get some rest. You’ve been working hard. Thank you.” she said. Then she left for her desk.


I guess I can look the Princess up some other time.








Chapter 5


The Truth





“Lori,” Ms. Shory was calling my name as I walked out of the Library Doors. “Lori, how would you like to have a new job, besides stacking books? I see your interested in reading books by the way you were reading that Encyclopedia back there.” She said lifting her eyebrow.


“I’m very sorry, it won’t happen again!” I said. “I promise.”


“Oh, that’s not it at all. I like that you are interested! I think that you should be reading for your Job. How would you like to read to children?” she asked.


“Am I in trouble?” I asked.


“No, I just see something in you that I don’t see in most people that come into the Library. You have that special sparkle in your eye. It’s almost like I have seen you before.” she said.


“Okay. If that’s it, then I would really like to read to children.” I said smiling.





As I was walking down the street, I heard a woman shouting, “It’s Her! It’s Her! Everybody, Look! It’s really Her!” she shouted.


I turned around to see who they were all so excited about. But, when I turned around, everyone was running at ME!


“Oh, we’ve finally found you!” one woman said. “Oh, sweet Princess, where have you been all these years?” another one said.


Princess? Did they say Princess? “Excuse Me Everyone.” I said.


They were all looking at me like I was going to give some kind of Speech. “Excuse me, I think that you have the wrong person. I am Lorainae Corinthian-” I started.


“Lorainae, you’ve come back to us.” they all shouted. Her name was Lorainae too?


“Everyone! Leave Her alone! There is nothing to see here! Go on about your business.” a voice said.


All of a sudden, everyone was clearing out. Going back to what they were doing before they saw me.


“That was a close one.” I said. “Thank you.” I said, not really knowing who I was thanking.


“Your Welcome Darling.” said the voice again. Then appeared a humble looking old woman with a gray bun and a peasant dress. “I am sorry about all the commotion honey. We lost our Princess and you do look very much like our Lorainae.”


I was still in shock that they thought that I was their Princess, but I managed to get, “It’s Probably just a coincidence, really.” out.

What do you think of this story?
Bella,





I found very few spelling errors in your story. The one that stood out the most was "I shouted with surprisement." There is no such word as surprisement. The wording would read better if it were: I shouted, totally surprised.





Your sentence structures are poor. You also have no strong points in your dialogue structure. In dialogue when someone says something, there is a comma prior to the who is saying it.





"It looks pretty nice to me.” I said, lying, but not wanting to offend her, since this is her home.





Example:





No period after the word 'me.' "It looks pretty nice to me," I said, lying... etc...etc...





You're missing the comma after those lines and adding periods where they're not supposed to be. You're also using capital letters where they're not needed.





"Everybody Look! It's really Her."





The E in everybody is all right, but not the Her. A capital her would mean you're speaking of the Virgin Mary.





"Go on about your business.” a voice said.





Here you used a period instead of the comma.





Don't let this critique get you down. I'm being honest here and that's the best policy. Paying you lip service and telling you your story is great, as is, is just fueling the fires of rejection.





Here's what I tell everyone who wants to write. Read it carefully and, once again, don't be hurt by my critique.





Writing a book takes more than just sitting down and putting your idea into words. There are a lot of things that you have to consider.





You need a good grasp of the English language. Spelling and Grammar. You will also need to check and recheck your work. Editors are very expensive these days.





You need to know how to write an effective ‘query letter’ to a literary agent.





Can you write a synopsis that will hold the interest of the agent, and want to make him or her ask for the first three chapters of your work?





Do you know how to outline?





You’ll need to know how to format your manuscript. This includes the fonts that


most agents, editors, and publishers want. You will need to follow submission guidelines just as they are laid down for your submissions. Anything less will result in your manuscript sent back or destroyed unread.





Do you know what Point of View is? (POV) Do you know how to write in First Person Point of View? The can’s and can not’s?





Do you know how to write dialogue? How to format dialogue?





It’s a good idea to know some of the publishing laws. The use of names and places.





These include


o Delivery Of Satisfactory Copy


o Permission for Copyrighted Material


o Grant Of Rights


o Proofreading and Author's Corrections


o Advances and Royalties


o Author's Warranties and Indemnities


o Copies to Author


o Option Clause


Do you know how to get a ‘word count?





Do you know what a prologue is? An epilogue? Do you know how both of them are used and why?





Do you know what the word ‘genre’ means?





You’ll need to know how to use the proper ‘page set up’ for your work. Margins, indents, paragraphs.





Are you prepared to do a lot of ‘research’ involving your work? Many professionals such as, doctors, lawyers, nurses, public accountants, judges, architects, bricklayers, engineers, and police officers read, too.





Do you know what a plot is? A sub-plot?





Can you take rejection and constructive criticism? If you’re easily hurt in the feelings department, then this hobby is not meant for you. Critics will tear you apart or build you up. The best writers in the world “King, Patterson, Koontz, J.K. Rowling, and many others” have been torn up one side and down the other. You can’t please everyone.





If you decide to hire an editor, remember: Your manuscript will be double spaced, which means there will be twice as many pages. A 600 page novel could cost you around $1800.00, some even more depending on what the editor charges a page.





These are the things you must know to work at your craft. But don’t let these things deter you from writing. There are books in libraries and bookstores that can teach you all of these things. Buying these books (if you want to be a serious writer) is the best thing to do. Why? Well, because you can use a yellow marker to highlight all the points of interest. Then you can use the front of the book to make page references to those markings in order to check back on them at a later date, when you need to.





You’ll need to get a copy of Writer’s Market for the current year. This has literary agents whom you can send out query letters to. Some of them allow email queries.





I wish you the best of luck!