Is this a good story so far?

Please rate this story that I wrote, from a scale of 1-10. I'd also like your comments-and no suck-ups!


Making Weird Things Happen


Chapter 1~The Great Beginning


Anna and Max, Max and Anna. That's how it always was. Ever since kindergarten, these two were the greatest of friends. It all started out


on snack day, where Anna accidentally dropped a fudge brownie on the floor. Max was sitting next to Anna at the moment, and although it had been


that way the whole school year, Max hadn't talked to Anna before in her whole life until the brownie landed softly on the floor. So Max decided that


the time to actually say something to Anna was now. She felt lucky that she had somehow packed the same snack as Anna. "I'm not going to be hungry


until lunch. Do you want my brownie?" Anna took her eyes off the once airborn brownie and looked up. "Well? Would you like it or not?" Anna smiled


and shrugged. She could remember her mother saying, "I know you haven't made one friend in Pre-K, but now you're a big girl. You go and be the


best Anna you can be, okay, Pumpkin? You have a good first day of school now, and be good!" Anna could still feel that three-month-old kiss on her


cheek.


By now, Max was about ready to unwrap the brownie and start eating it. Anna's stomach growled. "Sorry. I was thinking about something.


Now about that brownie....?" Max handed the brownie to Anna. "You should be more timely when you answer questions like that. I would've


eaten that brownie by now if you hadn't said something." Anna smiled. "Well, thanks. And what does timely mean?"


Chapter 2~ Our Lives


Hi, I'm Anna. I'm ten years old. I live with my mom (37 years old) and dad(39 years old) and little sister, Hannah (six years old). I have a dog named


Cat, and a cat named-you guessed it-Dog. I like writing poems and drawing in my notebook. In class, I pay attention only half the time and remain an


A+ student. A quarter of the class time, I draw in my notebook, and the other quarter, I whisper to Maxine. But she likes me to call her Max. Max is my


best and only friend, and everyone else are either my parents or aqqauitances. I have no mortal enemes except for Danice, a sassy rich girl in the fourth


grade, which is one grade below me.





Hi, I'm Max. I'm ten and 1/2 years old. I live with my dad(42 years old) in a two-story house on Main Street. My older brother is in college as a


freshman (he's especially fresh with what he calls 'the ladies'), and he's 18. I have a hamster named Gypsy(one year old), and a mouse named Yang


(seven months old)who once tried to bite off Gypsy's tail. I thinks ghosts just might be real and I like reading romance books. in class, I read a chapter


or two of my latest novel and write down the homework that I never understand in a cute lil' planner. Luckily, Anna always explains it to me evey afternoon.


Like my grandma(68 years old) says, Anna is a jewel. She's been my best friend since kindergarten and I plan to keep it that way. But for some reason, I miss


that brownie....


Chapter 3~Good Morning, Class


"What?"Anna whispered to Max. "I can't hear you!" It was very difficult for Max to tell Anna something from her plastic chair across the room. And Max


usually passed notes to Anna. But this time Max was using her last piece of paper for the current assignment that Ms.Tash was giving. Anna finished coloring her


drawing paper and was now having a difficult converstaion with Max, while Mrs. Tash wrote something on the board. Max continued, "Pass me your drawing paper


so that I could write it down for you!" Anna folded up her nicely colored paper and passed it to Sydney, who passed it to Jake, who passed it to D.J., who passed it


to Maggy, who passed it to Max. "Thanks, Maggy,"said Max. Max sharpened her pencil and wrote a short message on the page and passed it back to Maggy. Maggy


passed the note to D.J., who passed it to Jake, who accidentally passed it to nosy Lizabeth. Lizabeth unfolded the paper and saw the coloring side of the page.


Max sighed in releif because Lizabeth only saw the drawing and didn't know to flip the paper over to reveal the message. Lizabeth made a face, folded the note back up, and


handed it back to Jake, who passed it to Sydney, who returned it to Anna. Anna read the note, which said the following in script handwriting:


Anna-


When will your birthday party be? Lizabeth was talking about it the other day, because she knows everyone's birthdays. It made me wonder about it.


I thought that it would be best if I knew when it was months in advance so that I could have time to pick out the best gift!


-Your friend, Max


Anna wrote down the date and time of her birthday bash. She made sure to add that she wasn't going to invite Nosy Lizabeh or Spoiled Danice. She told Sydney


to please get the note to Max. Sydney nodded vigourously and handed the note to Jake, who this time made sure Lizabeth wouldn't get it. The note made its journey


safely across the room, and Max read it.

Is this a good story so far?
The whole Nosy Lizabeth and Spoiled Danice thing, while describing their personalitys, doesn't seem like the kind of nicknames a 5'th grader uses. I'm in 9'th, so I was there, well, kind of recently. And in the kinder-garden scene they were talking kind of like teens. And then also, maybe it's just me. I like Anna's pets, Dog the cat, and Cat the dog! Cute! I don't think their parents ages were necessary information, really just the siblings needed that definition. The note-passing scene is cool, but it seems like all of that would have taken longer than the time a teacher would take to write something on the board. Maybe you could insert a pause, while the teacher turns back, and then the next note would be passed when the teacher was next distracted, to make it seem a bit more realistic. 1-10, I'd say 7 and a half. Keep up the good work!
Reply:i could only read some of it, and its good. but the only problem i have is that you're making 1st graders sound like 8th graders. if you hadnt said that part about anna being in pre-k, i wouldve thought it was a book about teens.

bad breath